I Really Thought I Was Trying!

Again I find myself beginning a blog with the disclaimer that "I am happy to be living where I'm living and I am happy for the help my family offers me".

Today was a difficult day amongst an emotionally difficult week. You know how some weeks can be emotionally difficult for yourself or you can find yourself drained emotionally because you are worried about another person. The latter has been my week. A close friend of mine made a big mistake and got caught. A DUI! Not a good thing, not something I'm proud of for them, but reality and it happens. I've worked hard to help this friend out this week, with driving, a listening ear, a shoulder to lean on, advice, and even leading difficult discussions. It's been hard but it's been something that I've wanted to do. I've done it because I've wanted to not because I wanted a Thank you or anything else in return. Within this process things at home and even with other friends has become tense. My mind is focused on work, B, and this friend. My focus has caused me to forget some of my other obligations, such as picking up dog food and editing a paper. The absence of completing these duties was not out of a lack of concern or thinking they lacked importance, it was out of plan old forgetfulness.
My mother has decided that these two task show my lack of concern for family and my selfishness of "requiring" family to support me but not offering up my time or energy in return. I'm deeply hurt by her words. I keep telling myself she's just over exhausted because of an extra crazy work schedule and isn't thinking straight or clear. But seriously, does she really think I'm that selfish? Do I really not do for others?
I'm in tears; thinking I'm trying so hard to be a good single mom, raise a good stable young man, be a reliable and available sister, be a grateful daughter, be a dependable and hardworking principal, and a solid friend to the people I care about all without forgetting to take care of me and breathe. I'm at a loss. I'm babbling. I don't know what to do differently or how to change her perception of me. Goodness I just need a hug! These times of frustration amplify my desire to not be alone...to share in some of these jobs....to have someone to hug me when I need it. Oh how this blog has crossed many issues! WHAT AN EVENING!!!!

Judy and Fred

Well it's been a long winter in our household for the dogs. They were certainly affected by the severe cold we experienced in the Ohio area. In order to be good conscious owners both my mom and I decided to allow their fur to grow in the hopes that it would be enough warmth (no crazy sweaters for our pups)!

Now that we are approaching spring and the fur has started floating across the wood floors a hair cut was needed for both of our four legged guys. So Jack and Fritz were off to the groomer. They returned with SUPER short cuts. Apparently, Jack in particular, had a bunch of matting.

Brogen entered the house, paused, and took a double take. He turned to Nana with a perplexed look. Her immediate response was "Jack and Fritz left us, I went and got Judy and Fred". We are still questioning if B knows that this name change is a joke, but he is very insistent on calling the four legged friends Judy and Fred! It's hilarious! He is adamant telling anyone who walks through the front door and greats the dogs with "Hey Jack" or "Hey Fritz" that those are new dogs with new names!

Duh!!!!! Can't you tell they look different!
And we adults stand by wondering if the he is playing along with the joke or really believes us!

A Breath of Fresh Air!

What a beautiful weekend! The temperature rose to the mid seventies, the sun peeked out between the grey clouds every once in a while, and the breeze lets us believe that the spring was blowing in! How nice it was to get outside with B for some outdoor play. We spent several hours at the Zoo. He's actually starting to notice the animals instead of purely running to the train and toy shop. His most favorite part is using the map, directing me to all the different animals, as I silently breath a sigh of relief that he will have some sense of direction! We also spent several hours on "big wheel road trips" while mommy followed on foot. It was my yet another realization of how big he is getting! He can actually pedal, direct the big wheel, and go down hills as compared to last spring...him sitting and whining while I walked ahead wishing he could keep up! Now I find myself wishing he'd slow down so I could make sure he doesn't dart into the city street. My how things have changed. What's to come? :)

I Must Be Out of My Mind!

So my goal in life, well the one at the moment that has not been accomplished, is to find "the one"! So it's apparent by my previous "dating" patterns have not only been less than successful but have also been destructive to my self-esteem as well. So a couple of my girl friends who sit in similar "boat" as I am got together and decided to do a book study on dating. We're working through the book "Love In 90 Days".

I've learned that I do not make myself open to men. So I've been focused on saying hello and smiling more....lol instead of looking at them like "what do you want?". I've also have been attempting to accept dates from men I may have not previously been attracted to. It's silly but amazing that I really am feeling better about myself as more men smile back or speak. The book recommends dating in threes, meaning trying to date more than one guy at a time. This method apparently, I haven't accomplished that, keeps one from obsessing over a guy, or giving him so much attention that he runs!

Tonight we were out to dinner and it struck me our waiter was handsome, fun, good with the boys, and a hard worker. I blew caution to the wind and left my number. The note said: "You have a great smile and are such a harder worker. I'd be interested in chatting sometime." I signed it, left my number, and then honestly my sanity came back and I ran for sheer embarrassment. So will he call? I don't know, but what I do know is that I made a step. A step in the direction of "why wouldn't he want my number I'm a catch"! A step away from hibernating away for fear of rejection. So if he (Anthony) calls great, if he doesn't...his loss.....RIGHT!?

Bed Time Funnies!

B has been such a handful when the sun goes down. It is very obvious to me that he loves to distract me from and prolong the process as often as possible. Some evenings I'm just too tired to fight it other nights I feel like I could conquer anything he would throw at me!

Last night was a "I'm going to hold strong night". We took a calming bath, read 5 books (one for each of his years and one to grown on)! We sang a song and I rubbed his back for 5 min. (which felt like 20). I quietly stood up to go about my business and the kid started into a heart throbbing sad cry. He began a monologue about wanting a brofer and sisfer! He was adamant that his bed "stinks" not as in smells bad but as in "sucks". I explained in an oh so calm voice that only God can send us brothers and sisters, and maybe we should pray for that to happen. My son becomes quiet for a moment and then the sobbing begins again. "Mom I don't know how to pray for that!" I rub his back and say well you just ask God for what you want and then he'll work on it. So B begins "God, I want a brofer and sisfer. I want them to sweep with me cause my bed stinks" He pauses, rolls over to me, and says "Well where are they?"
Dear oh dear, I did not expect for him to think that a new brother or sister would just appear. So my heart ached, after I of coarse told him he should tell Nana what he prayed for! HA, she probably had a heart attack! I invited B to sleep in my bed and told him I knew he was lonely. So we cuddled. What happened to "I will hold strong"? Who knows, but damn we slept great.

I awoke this morning to a four year old with no pj pants or underwear on. I questioned him "B, why don't you have any pants on?" He replied very matter of fact, "Cause when my penis gets tall I have to play with it". Stunned I stutter "Oh, okay". How is one to respond to that? He kills me! It's all I can do not to laugh!