Wednesday, March 25, 2009

I Really Thought I Was Trying!

Again I find myself beginning a blog with the disclaimer that "I am happy to be living where I'm living and I am happy for the help my family offers me".

Today was a difficult day amongst an emotionally difficult week. You know how some weeks can be emotionally difficult for yourself or you can find yourself drained emotionally because you are worried about another person. The latter has been my week. A close friend of mine made a big mistake and got caught. A DUI! Not a good thing, not something I'm proud of for them, but reality and it happens. I've worked hard to help this friend out this week, with driving, a listening ear, a shoulder to lean on, advice, and even leading difficult discussions. It's been hard but it's been something that I've wanted to do. I've done it because I've wanted to not because I wanted a Thank you or anything else in return. Within this process things at home and even with other friends has become tense. My mind is focused on work, B, and this friend. My focus has caused me to forget some of my other obligations, such as picking up dog food and editing a paper. The absence of completing these duties was not out of a lack of concern or thinking they lacked importance, it was out of plan old forgetfulness.
My mother has decided that these two task show my lack of concern for family and my selfishness of "requiring" family to support me but not offering up my time or energy in return. I'm deeply hurt by her words. I keep telling myself she's just over exhausted because of an extra crazy work schedule and isn't thinking straight or clear. But seriously, does she really think I'm that selfish? Do I really not do for others?
I'm in tears; thinking I'm trying so hard to be a good single mom, raise a good stable young man, be a reliable and available sister, be a grateful daughter, be a dependable and hardworking principal, and a solid friend to the people I care about all without forgetting to take care of me and breathe. I'm at a loss. I'm babbling. I don't know what to do differently or how to change her perception of me. Goodness I just need a hug! These times of frustration amplify my desire to not be share in some of these have someone to hug me when I need it. Oh how this blog has crossed many issues! WHAT AN EVENING!!!!


Nanners said...

Oh honey. I wish I could be there to give you a big squeeze. It is indeed difficult to be all things to all people all of the time. You must feel stretched so thinly in so many directions. Maybe a "sit-down" with Mama during a calm moment can help put all of your concerns to rest. She must realize how hard you work at being just YOU. It sounds like she was just overflowing from her own stressfilled life at you. Helping a friend in need is certainly a priority, but don't make things too easy for this person at the expense of yourself. Inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale.
Are you still able to take time for your training? You must be able to work out things in your mind during those walks. Unplug the earbuds and be alone with yourself.

Jack-on-the-Lake said...

Big hugs from Wisconsin - when it rains it really pours doesn't it?

You are a great person who is juggling many balls - it only stands to reason that sometimes the balls start falling. you'll pick up speed again.

let me know if you need anything...

And this might not be the best time to tell you that I linked on my site to your blog?

atomic momma said...

Aw's a big hug for you...


and a box of your favorite chocolates:


followed by a calming bubble bath:


enjoyed with a glass of your favorite wine or favorite martini:


And a peaceful night's sleep:


Enjoy. I usually find a difficult week is followed by a week where everything falls into place. Resist the urge and tell your Mama that you appreciate all she's done for you and you know now how B feels when you take care of him. I find it helps to melt people in difficult times rather than fan the flames (even though all I want to do is fan the flames!!!!)