Again I find myself beginning a blog with the disclaimer that "I am happy to be living where I'm living and I am happy for the help my family offers me".
Today was a difficult day amongst an emotionally difficult week. You know how some weeks can be emotionally difficult for yourself or you can find yourself drained emotionally because you are worried about another person. The latter has been my week. A close friend of mine made a big mistake and got caught. A DUI! Not a good thing, not something I'm proud of for them, but reality and it happens. I've worked hard to help this friend out this week, with driving, a listening ear, a shoulder to lean on, advice, and even leading difficult discussions. It's been hard but it's been something that I've wanted to do. I've done it because I've wanted to not because I wanted a Thank you or anything else in return. Within this process things at home and even with other friends has become tense. My mind is focused on work, B, and this friend. My focus has caused me to forget some of my other obligations, such as picking up dog food and editing a paper. The absence of completing these duties was not out of a lack of concern or thinking they lacked importance, it was out of plan old forgetfulness.
My mother has decided that these two task show my lack of concern for family and my selfishness of "requiring" family to support me but not offering up my time or energy in return. I'm deeply hurt by her words. I keep telling myself she's just over exhausted because of an extra crazy work schedule and isn't thinking straight or clear. But seriously, does she really think I'm that selfish? Do I really not do for others?
I'm in tears; thinking I'm trying so hard to be a good single mom, raise a good stable young man, be a reliable and available sister, be a grateful daughter, be a dependable and hardworking principal, and a solid friend to the people I care about all without forgetting to take care of me and breathe. I'm at a loss. I'm babbling. I don't know what to do differently or how to change her perception of me. Goodness I just need a hug! These times of frustration amplify my desire to not be alone...to share in some of these jobs....to have someone to hug me when I need it. Oh how this blog has crossed many issues! WHAT AN EVENING!!!!